More endgame musings

This past weekend I vacationed with the fam at Kinzua Reservoir, near Erie, PA.  We rented a cabin and took the boat, spending four days on the water.  It was very relaxing and fun, and the scenery was incredible.  The best part though, was getting to know my cousin, Chris.  He and his son are visiting from California for a few weeks, traveling around between relatives in PA, NYC, and New Jersey.  Prior to this trip, I really had no occasion to interact with him, so I rode up to Kinzua with him and gabbed pretty much the entire 6 hour ride. 

It turns out that we have tons in common philosophically and we both were excited to find that in someone else.  He’s single and has been divorced for a few years, and finds the same struggles in dating as I do.  It was really interesting to talk to someone else who is kind of going through the same things as I am.  Most of my friends have managed to pull off having conventional lives with no real turmoil or upheaval, and have found one person to be with for the long haul.  Sometimes it’s tough to relate.  Chris and I discussed how hard it is to find someone who fits all the things you’re looking for after experiencing many different women and really narrowing down what you like and don’t like, and then when you actually do find someone with all the necessary traits also give up some of your long-standing independence.  Even then, you can still manage to be unattracted to someone who really should be the perfect person.  It’s pretty tough out there! There’s relationships where you’re really into a girl, and she up and leaves for some odd reason.  There’s relationships with a great girl but something is missing.  There’s the regret of wanting someone back after a relationship has ended.  All those things we had in common, and it was pretty uplifting to know that there’s at least one other psycho out there struggling like me!  The craziest thing we came across that both of us have dealt with is finding and then failing at a relationship with someone extraordinary immediately following our marriages.  We both still look back on that relationship/person as one we would like to have back.  Pretty amazing I thought.  I don’t know if that’s some sort of common trend or what, but it’s heartening to know that I’m not the only one it’s happened to.

I guess a lot of my conversations with Chris this weekend really made me resolved in the fact that A is not the one.  She’s absolutely great, and last night when I broke up with her I hated myself for ending it and hurting her.  Even so, I feel good about it and I think I did the right thing since my heart wasn’t totally into it.  I talked to Shawver on the phone this morning before work and we got to talking about that whole sitch and my issues with Jes.  We joked around about it, but also were kind of serious that it really is a problem how I still think about her and that it effects my decisions.  I’ve put some thought into it in the few hours since then, and I think I came to a small conclusion.  I may never get over her.  Years from now I might still be feeling something, and dealing with the regret of a beautiful love lost.  That’s a part of me and it’s going to have to be ok.  Separated from that is any current relationship.  I didn’t end things with A because I still have feelings for Jes.  I ended things because I didn’t have feelings for A…at least not on the level that I thought I should.  I still think I can find someone that does it for me…someone who may not be Jes, but with whom I relate to, connect with, and am excited about on that same level.  It HAS to exist.  I’ve even come close recently (V).  I promised myself a long time ago that I would never settle for anything but extraordinary.  I still haven’t.  So yes, I look back on the best relationship I ever had with longing…who wouldn’t.  Rather than look at that as unhealthy, I’d like to think of it as a goal.  That’s what I want again…something very much like that.  I’ve experienced how great it can be and I won’t be satisfied until I find something that fulfills me just as well again.  

            So while it may be frustrating for those around me, people I date, and myself I’m going to hold true to my promise to never settle.  Maybe I’m wrong and I’ll never have another experience like the one with Jes. Maybe I’m unreasonably choosy, but that’s no different than any other worthwhile goal.  It’s tough to get there and many people won’t understand why I’m struggling so much for something they can’t see the value in.  Having that regret and my feelings for Jes in the background though, I’d like to think I know enough now to protect it and make sure it lasts if it ever comes around again… regardless of who it happens with.  That small detail makes the struggle and pain all worth it…though I really wish I wouldn’t have to hurt other people like A along the way.